About
Dying
The
dying process is not always experienced as a dark and depressing time.
For many, dying and death are accepted
as
a natural culmination of a long and complete life.
Death
is seen not as a defeat, not as an obliteration of one's being,
but as a transition to something even greater.
For
those who are ready, death is actually welcomed.
The
end of life is a special time of sharing that is filled with an intimate,
intense immediacy
unlike any other care setting.
Although
there are common issues that must be dealt with,
each person and their family are unique in how they tackle these issues
and
complete the "unfinished" business of their lives.
They
face dying as they approached life.
The dying process is not separate from life,
but is a continuation of all that has come before;
it is the last part of living out our lives.
Some
would choose to hide death and dying away behind the cold, hard walls of a
hospital corridor
where
"others" can provide care.
They
want to hide from their own fears and the painful experiences
they
might encounter were they to be present during the dying process.
Sometimes
this fear of death (on the part of those not dying)
causes isolation for the terminally ill patient
who
just wishes to continue as normal a life as is possible under the circumstances.
While
others may wish to hide death away from sight,
the
dying themselves mostly want to die at home surrounded by those they love.
Good
end-of-life care helps to make that possible.
Patients
say, "whatever you do, don't put me in a facility."
Hospice
staff can help support the family and patient
through
this incredibly trying yet often strangely rewarding process at home.
Those
who have no experience with the end of life care setting do not understand
how
caring for the dying might be "rewarding" or "fulfilling."
They
fear death and feel revulsion for the dying process.
However,
the period of approaching death is not only a time for loss,
but
also a time for sharing, communicating, serving and experiencing.
Dying
is a time of great need,
a
time when Openness and Love can make a tremendous difference.
It
is a time when caregivers do their best
to
assess and relieve the various forms of suffering that may arise.
The
memories of that special time remain forever with those who survive,
How
staff intervene to relieve suffering can make the difference
between
a family having very positive memories or
experiencing
bitterness
about
how the dying process and symptoms at the end of life were handled.
Because
of the intensity of the experience,
the
dying process and death are not something that can be forgotten easily,
just
as a birth is forever imprinted upon one's memory.
Whether
at the end of life or not,
I
have yet to meet a person who has not encountered and suffered some deep pain.
We
all have losses and experience pain: physical suffering, emotional disappointments,
and
problems with relationships, finances or other losses.
That
pain can sometimes feel overwhelming.
Though
everyone is touched by pain in some way,
they
suggest that we can be forever "young," "healthy," "beautiful,"
"happy," or "successful,"
if
we only would follow their advice
or
purchase this or that product being marketed at the time.
We
want to believe them!
We
want to believe that we can actually be free of the pains of this life,
that
we can be forever "young," "healthy," "beautiful,"
"happy," or "successful."
The
problem is: ... we know better!
Unless
we were teenagers filled with the naiveté of youth,
we
cannot fail to see the "sands of time" move inexorably through the
hour glass,
demanding
that we take note of increasingly prominent signs of aging:
gray
hair, changing shapes, wrinkles, weakness, pain or disease.
If
we allow ourselves to be objective,
we
are forced to admit that
many
around us are stricken with accidental injuries, sickness or death each year.
We
ourselves will inevitably suffer and succumb to old age and death.
There
are wonderful times, but we also witness the illnesses, disabilities, crimes,
disputes,
legal
wrangling, plotting, conspiring, divorces and estrangements, the battles and
wars,
and
the injustices heaped upon the weak by the strong.
We
witness the powerful who end up weak (or dead), the young who become old,
the
arrogant who are humbled, the rich who lose all they "possessed"
upon death ...
and
we wonder how it can possibly make any sense at all.
We
may blame God for the suffering and losses that plague us,
or
for even allowing death at all.
Although
we want to blame someone, blaming others for the suffering in this world
only
increases our own isolation and pain.
It
is mankind's own madness that gives rise to the evils of this world,
It is our own blindness and disregard for
each other that give rise to manmade calamities.
Rather
than being a material accident without meaning,
we
can view life as a gift.
We
can view life as a spiritual journey
with
lessons to learn through every challenge.
All
of life including the dying process becomes meaningful.
It
is a lack of appreciation for the miracle of life that leads us to find fault
with death itself
or the suffering that is part and parcel of
this world.
It
is very common to try and fix blame for the losses that occur in our lives.
Yet,
even if we reject suicide (by whatever means)
we
may wonder how God could allow suffering and death,
especially
suffering and death that touches ourselves, or those we care about.
But
dwelling on our bitterness only expands it
till
we are consumed with rage at the injustices (whether real or imagined)
that
we see dealt out in this life.
We
naturally question these and other apparent injustices.
We
naturally question the suffering we encounter, and some of us become bitter,
blaming others.
However,
we cannot be fulfilled if we cling to that bitterness.
We
must go through it, beyond it, even though
we
feel that much of whom we have been may be left behind if we let go of our
bitterness.
People
often advise the grieving that they can and should "forget" whatever
has caused them pain,
even
to "forget" the death of their loved one.
"Just
let it go," they say,
but
there is no need to force ourselves to forget.
In
fact, "forgetting" someone we have loved is not really possible.
We
cannot and should not forget them,
but
we can and must continue to move on with life
and
do whatever we can to make this world a better place.
In
time, we will relinquish our preoccupation with our grief and with the past.
We
will not and will never forget.
We
will never lose the connection with those we have loved and then lost through
death.
When
we are confronted with deep pain, disease, suffering,
even
with our own impending death or our loved one's death,
it
is very difficult to accept and remain at peace.
People
have a way of curling inward upon themselves
while
creating a self-imposed wall of isolation.
Though
the wall is self-created, the barrier separating them from others is experienced
as very real.
The
individual now not only suffers due to his losses and pain,
but
also suffers even more intensely due to his isolation.
Pain
becomes unbearable when we believe we are isolated, unloved and alone.
The
dying may be consumed with their own feelings of fear, grief, guilt or anger.
Some
of the dying may even shut out their friends and family, refusing to speak
or interact at all.
Those
doctors, nurses and others who care and serve the ill or dying know
that
one of the greatest achievements they can have in the care setting
is
to be there and "connect" with the patient,
to
share in the moment,
to
let them know they are not unloved and unrecognized,
to
let them know that they are positively loved and appreciated,
to
"reach" past the wall and touch their soul, so that a mutual recognition
is felt,
heart
to heart.
We
are all alone in a way,
but
it is the loss of feeling "connected" to others or God that hurts
so much.
The
betrayals, pains and disappointments in life make it even more difficult to
trust others
or to trust the process of life itself.
The
loneliness and depression that may arise
can
eventually lead us to shut ourselves off even more completely.
One
of the paradoxes of life
is
that in order to free ourselves from that loneliness and self-imposed isolation,
we
must be again willing to trust and reach out to others and God.
We
all have a need to feel loved, and so do the dying.
Those
who care for others have the privilege of serving and sharing their love.
Although
many fear being around the dying,
the
dying often need those they care about to visit and be there with them.
They
do not need casual visits from those who are not involved.
And
those who are involved, the family and friends, may also feel afraid or
experience
grief, guilt and anger.
Sometimes
the family and friends cut off the relationship with the dying
making
them even more isolated and alone!
While
those witnessing the dying process wonder what to say or do,
there
are no special words or phrases that are going to magically "make it
all better."
Dying
and death are not something that can be "fixed."
It
is something that must be acknowledged and accepted.
The
prospect of dying brings most to their knees, shakes them to their core
and forces them to contemplate the meaning of
their life,
to
review their actions in life,
to
confront their ultimate aloneness.
Many
are afraid and overcome with loneliness in their despair,
but
many others are ready to "take death on" and let go of this life.
Not
everyone experiences "aloneness" as "loneliness."
Some
can spend days, weeks or even months all alone and never feel "lonely."
What
makes the difference?
Those
who are not "lonely" are filled with a sense of purpose, a focus,
a feeling of "connectedness" that
bars any feeling of loneliness from entering into them.
They
know they belong.
They
know they have a place in this world.
They
know they are loved.
They
know they have a purpose in this life and love to share.
Those
who face death with this attitude are at peace when the end comes.
And
the love they have for others may make itself known in a million ways.
Those
who have understood reach out to others, encouraging, comforting, loving,
helping,
sharing
with them, nurturing them
till
they are strong enough to trust
helping
them to stand on their own in their "aloneness" and set out along
their own paths.
They
are no longer afraid.
In
some cases, the dying comfort those around them!
In
some cases, friends, family or caregivers comfort the dying.
There
is no rigid rule about how the process of dying and death will impact any
one patient
or their family and friends.
Patients
who perceive and accept their ultimate "aloneness" may also know
their connectedness
with
others, with all of life and the Creator of all life.
They
are ready to experience the next step and the world that awaits them beyond.
They
are not afraid.
They
demonstrate that the bitter pill that challenges us in life can be swallowed.
Our
loving approach to life need not be broken by the losses or hurts we experience.
Though we may not be able to immediately forgive those
who deeply disappoint us,
Though we may not be immediately able to accept the
horrible injustices we witness,
Though we may not be immediately able to surface from
the depths of our rage
when those we love are hurt and swept away,
Though we may not be immediately able to embrace our
pain and transcend it,
there is a way to turn the poisonous depths of despair into hope.
We
need to focus on doing the little we can do in our own world to help others.
We
need to open our eyes and hearts to see the need of others.
Their
needs cry out to our hearts: choosing to care for them has the power to heal
us.
For
those who are dependent upon others and in need,
being
willing to accept the help of others is not only humbling, but also healing.
In
serving as well as in being served, we are all healed in some way!
Strange
it is that while we feel so powerless over the hardships of this life,
we
have only to give of the little we have,
to find that we have so much more.
And
the more we give of ourselves, the more we have.
The
pain that has been tormenting us no longer touches us in the same way.
That
pain may stubbornly cling to us, but it becomes tolerable.
The
awareness of suffering's universality becomes a raft
that
helps us to make the journey from isolation to connection,
from
self-centeredness to concern for others,
from
bitterness to gratefulness,
and
from doubt to faith.
We
can then reach out with real compassion,
a
compassion that connects us with the ones we serve.
If
we consider the wonders of the universe and remember and focus on the kindnesses
that each of us have surely sometime received,
we
can awaken within ourselves gratefulness for whatever good fortune we have
all had in our lives.
Willingly
accepting our reality, including its pain,
we
can move forward to truly live,
not
by focusing on ourselves only,
but
by realizing our purpose and loving that which inspires us.
There
are endless opportunities to serve,
none
of them unworthy of pursuing.
For
as long as there is life,
there
is an opportunity to serve and help others
in
some way or another.
Even
the dying can serve, help or bring healing to others around them.
This
service given to the surviving family and friends by the dying is regularly
seen at the end of life.
This
is one of the reason that choosing to end the life of even a dying person
is wrong.
We
all have pain in this life.
If
we struggle to rid ourselves of the suffering that must in some way accompany
this life,
we
find nothing but continued pain and isolation: a very bitter pill.
There
is nothing wrong with caregivers using all medical means to relieve physical
pain.
We
must do everything possible to relieve pain.
But
if we accept the suffering that still comes our way
and
appreciate the greatness of God's love for us,
we
are comforted.
Our
pain becomes bearable.
When
we accept and willingly shoulder the burden that is given to us in our lives,
we
find our burden lightened.
We
are able to swallow (what we thought was) a bitter pill: the simple reality
of this life.